Caught Red Handed

Decius sighed as he leaned back on his chaise lounge. He stared up at the white ceiling and wondered when his servant would return with his snack. Things had been too quiet around Ancient Rome lately. As magnificent as his palace was, he had found it overbearingly boring lately. It was almost too white.

Finally, his servant entered the large room, carrying a plate of assorted fruits. Cherries and plums sat in the company of a strange black fruit Decius had not seen before.

“What on earth are these?” Decius questioned.

“Blackberries, sir,” the servant replied, placing the plate on the small table next to his master. “We have, er, had some trouble with the grapes.”

“Hm.” Decius looked at the blackberries suspiciously. He carefully picked one up between two fingers, held it up to his nose, and sniffed. Then, still squinting at the tiny bumps, he popped it into his mouth. His servant waited silently for his reaction, but he wasn’t given a chance to speak his opinion.

At that moment, a sentry entered the hall, letting the door slam behind him. Decius winced at the sound. Why didn’t anyone take care of his things?

“Hail, Governor Decius,” the sentry declared, stopping in front of Decius’ platform and saluting him.

“What news do you bring?” Decius asked, helping himself to another blackberry.

“We have found two criminals who await your judgment.”

“Well, bring the first one in.” Decius said with a wave of his hand.

The sentry disappeared and reentered the room with a second soldier. They escorted a dirty and bedraggled man between them.

“Governor, I present to you Aetius, the infamous intruder who infiltrated several senate estates to steal and pilfer priceless pendants. This morning, he was found sneaking out the garden doors, his pockets filled to the brim with your wife’s pearls. What verdict do you give him?”

“Well, did you retrieve the jewels?” Decius asked nonchalantly.

“Yes, sir, they are being restored to your wife’s care now,” the sentry reported.

“Then I suppose no real harm has been done. Though he was trespassing. Charge him the usual fee and send him on his way.” He dismissed the criminal with a wave of his hand.

The guard escorted the ragged and now ecstatic man out of the hall.

“Honestly, these are such simple decisions, you’d think they’d be able to handle it themselves,” Decius said to his servant, taking another blackberry.

Promptly, a second guard appeared, practically dragging a sickly, scrawny man across the hall. The only extraordinary thing about him was that his hands were stained with a bright red juice.

“Titus the tactful trickster has remained a member of a macabre group of great grape stealers for several sickly and yucky years. We caught him red-handed swiping grapes from your personal store.”

“Red-handed, I can see that,” Decius replied, grimacing as a small droplet of juice fell plop onto his clean, marble floor.

“Yes, he was trying for the red grapes,” the sentry explained.

Decius gasped and stood abruptly. “How dare you! Do you realize that red grapes are my favorite?”

The prisoner sputtered in answer, a puzzled look crossing his face.

“But- they all taste the same,” he said.

Decius gasped once more. “Outrageous! An insult to the very fruit that gives all life meaning! Take him from my sight! And see to it that he is given a life sentence for his crimes. And that during his time in the dungeons, not a single grape is placed before him!”

The sentry and guard nodded. They exited the room, accompanied by the wails and objections of their prisoner.

When the door closed, Decius huffed and fell back onto his chaise. He reached for the fruit plate and popped the last few blackberries into his mouth, chewing furiously.

“Servant,” he barked, startling the poor man.

“Yes, sir?” the servant answered, trying to control his wavering voice.

“Fetch me some more blackberries,” Decius ordered. “I think I am beginning to like them more than grapes.”